Everything a Girl Needs to Know About Football

Simeon de la Torre &
Sophie Brown

If a real live female by the name of Sophie Brown had anything to do with this book then you could knock me over with a used season ticket. It's more likely a bloke's idea (and definitely not a very bright bloke and probably a virgin and while we're at it the name Simeon de la Torre is about as convincing as a Teddy Sheringham student railcard) of what a girl who's thinking of going to a football match might want to know. Such as the advice not to rush for the exits at the final whistle in case you miss out on the chance to meet a gorgeous fella on the terraces (at the same time the book is honest enough to concede that this is unlikely). The offside rule is illuminated using a shopping-for-shoes analogy which makes a change from the usual explanation involving ketchup and salt. It's sexist nonsense and an appalling throwaway Christmas book of the worst kind.

Still secretly kind of fun, though, but only in miniature doses and provided the date is 26th December and your critical faculties have yet to kick back in.